One year ago...

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
Through the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
Though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
He enables me to go on the heights” (Hab. 3:17-18)

A year ago, I was enjoying the last days of sweltering heat in San Pedro Sula, Honduras, preparing to board a plane to return home to the USA--for a mere two weeks. A year later, I am in Texas. Yes, Texas of all unlikely places!  Texas was just somewhere out there, probably a candidate for “the least likely state I would end up in…”

I planned on going back. I was set on going back. God slowly broke it to my heart that I wasn't going back. He knew this broken reed--and was gentle. Yet, it broke my heart, but it was a heart that needed to be broken. I had to trust that God knew my heart desires, that he still had them (and me) in his hand and that he hadn’t relegated me to a dusty corner. My heart bled in rib-racking tears, searing sobs, and bleak despair.

Now, I see more clearly, although yet dimly (1 Cor. 13:12), that God himself is my heart desire. My “heart desires” and dreams of Honduras, missions, etc. were reflections of a heart-idolatry of self-righteousness, self-confidence. “If only I could know I was needed, then I’d be happy. If only I was doing something important, I would know I had value. If only I knew I was where I needed to be and doing something important in the world, I could stop doubting my existence, my purpose, my self. If only I knew I was doing God’s work, then I would know he liked me.” How much, in my self-attempt to glorify him, I glorified self. In my self-attempt to serve Christ and minister his love to others, I undermined Christ and his grace and love.

While I prayed, "God, here am I, send me, send me! I desire to do your will--which is to go to Honduras, right? That is my heart desire!" God said, “I know what you think your heart desires are, but I AM your heart desire. I am your love. Stop looking. Rest. Trust. I give you myself.” My anxious searching needed to cease—and it needs to cease—and it will need to cease. But someday I will see clearly, and then I will see him face to face, and I will be as he is, because I will see him as he is (1 John 3:1-2).

I sought for God’s will, but it was a way to serve my will so I would know and have value and have purpose and meet my needs in my own way. God is saying, “Christ is my will. Christ is the way, the life, and the truth. He is the way. He is the center of my will” (John 14:6; Col. 1:18-20; Eph. 1:9-10). 

I have learned just a pinch more that I can trust God with all my heart desires, and that he is my heart desire. It is not what I do that will make my heart happy and give me my sense of fulfillment and purpose—that is not my life nor my definition. Christ is (Col. 3:4; Gal. 2:20). I am still learning. Each new day is a new fight to center myself on Christ, who is my life. Each new season and stage will present new temptations.  I know it is easy to say. It is harder to walk out. But we have the Spirit who shines the light of the glory of God in the face of Christ in our hearts (2 Cor. 4:4-6).

 “Though my dreams of mission work does not bud,

Through it seems like one day is no different than the other and what does it matter,
Though the hoped-for changes are still gone and the stalls are filled with struggles rather than joys,
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
He enables me to go on the heights”.
 

And who is it that enables? HIM. This is a super-human set of verses. But that’s okay. Because the same power that raised him from the dead is at work in us—the Spirit—to cause us to will and to do, to do more than we can ask or imagine according to the power that is at work in us, to him be the glory in Christ Jesus for ever and ever (Eph. 1:18-20; Phil. 2:12-13; Eph. 3:21)!