Thoughts

Just a few reflections on being chronically ill...Too tired to write much, to be honest, but a few thoughts. Actually began this long time ago.

Grace and humility - I'm independent in some ways. I like being the one to give. I dislike having to ask for help. Now. Help. Others give me a place to stay, cover up my lacks, encouragement, parents give me food. Being sick is a humbling process, but one in which I have seen the grace of God poured out through others. I don't deserve to have help; but their generosity is lavish.

Grace and limitations - Having been (and still am) a perfectionist, I have had to accept limitations. At 25 years old, my body felt like it is 80-years-old according to the tests. Still does. I don't have the energy, the mental concentration, so much I used to have... It is scary. Provokes fear. Despair. Emotionally draining. Yet, God reminds me he knows I am but dust, he knows my finitude. He is not asking of me more than I can give--even though I myself may try to demand more of me! His grace has amazed me as he reminds me I am accepted in the beloved, not for what I do.

Dying - Related to the above, each is a form of dying to self, spiritually. Yet, each day is a painful reminder that the body is dying. Even if I am completely healed, I will be restored to a dying body. My hope is not in this world. But each limitation, each time I realize I can't do this or that, or don't have the energy to do that, is a grieving process. It does drive me to a greater dependence on Christ; I do reorient my mind and praise for what I can still do. But the losses are real--even if, hopefully--temporary.

Identity - Sickness challenges my identity. I was the person who energetically pursued social justice, God. I was the person who was involved in leadership. I was the person who worked hard and still had energy to give. I was, I, I, I, was, was, was... Strip. Burn. The externals consumed. I am not who I do. Do is not who. Yet, the ditch on the other side gapes, and my Lord has kept me from the mindset of I-am-my-sickness. My limitations and health define me. Me-The-Sick. Me-The-Pitiful. God has been powerfully teaching me. Stitch, stitch, my Lord has tailor-made this for me in severe mercy, in his uncomfortable grace. Surely my God is good.

Courage - I never realized how much courage daily life takes. How much energy. To make a bed. To get up in the morning. How much it takes to just keep hoping.

Honesty - People often ask, "How are you doing?" I don't know how to respond. I feel like I should give a statement of progress, as if they are asking, "Aren't you better yet?" Can I be really honest? I don't feel any better? Will they really be in there for the long-run? It can run the risk of making me mask, creating falsity in friendship. I am learning the courage of honesty. I am learning to please the one who will never leave me nor forsake me, whose judgment was placed on his Son. I am accepted.

Sin--Exposed. Under pressure the balloon will pop. The mettle of my heart has not always been pretty. It is in the heat the true nature shows forth. But grace upon grace meets me and spur me on. I need not cower beneath the gaze of the Father, he already knew it.

"And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not… [The LORD] found him [Israel and I] in a desert land…he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his eye. Like an eagle that stirs up its nest,  that flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them, bearing them on its pinions, the Lord alone guided him….13 He made him ride on the high places of the land…and he suckled him with honey out of the rock, and oil out of the flinty rock. Deuteronomy 8:2, 32:9-12"

Who am I?

Brain lost
Body broken

Crushed in spirit (Ps. 34:18)

Heart sorrow

And the Lord says,
“This is my body, broken for you.
Crushed (Isa. 53).
A man of sorrows, but a Spirit of joy in you. 
Take.

Eat.

Do.”

Yes, Lord.

Thank you.

Grace.
Me--Redeemed.