Particular Paradoxes

"There are some defeats more triumphant than victories"—I ponder over a quote from Michel Montaigne. I confess I do not know the original context, making me hesitant to quote it, but it stood out to me. 

There are days I feel defeated: tired, beat, have nothing else, empty... but they are victories. Upside down, paradox. Weary and apathetic, his Spirit gives me even the very desire to seek him and do his will (Phil. 2:13; Ps. 51:10-11). Hopeless and often given bad news, to the world's eyes spending prime years in ill health, I am filled with hope from him. The faith I have is from him. The breath I have is from him. My prayer to know what it means to be a steward right now springs from him in me. His life is at work in me to bring life to others even as I feel "dead" (2 Cor. 4:12). 

Not logical. Paradoxical. Upside down. But so right side up. 

I defeated--given new eyes, new mind, new perspective. 

This is why it is a victory: he lives in me.

It is a victory because his strength is made perfect in weakness and he is shown forth (2 Cor. 12:9).

It is a victory because he causes life to spring out of death (Jn. 12:24-25).

It is a victory because I receive comfort from the very Lord of heaven himself, from my High Priest, from the Paraklete, from the Wonderful Counselor so that comfort can overflow to others (2 Cor. 1).

It is a victory because I learn to depend on him for his glory (2 Cor. 1:8-9) and I have sweet fellowship with him (Phil. 3:10).

It is a victory because the Lord is exalted when he shows mercy to me (Isa. 30:18). When I am defeated, wanting to be a better ____, when I feel I can’t go on, when I feel over my head, when things are good and things are difficult, God is waiting to be gracious to me—giving his particular, unique grace for exactly what I need at that moment (Isa. 30:18).His victory is tailored to each specific defeat. His grace and love is particular, specific, unique, tailored. Particular paradoxes of victory, glorious victory.